My Blues Room

The Wounds

2012-01-28T07:48:00.000-08:00

It is really a devastating situation when you have pain on your knee, in your head, and in your heart. Feel like I'm a sick old man, feel like I'm being attacked from every dimension of my life. Feeling sorry to myself is the only skill I have for this very moment. Feeling sorry to myself, actually, is not appropriate when I know that 12 life just flew in a second. When a large group of labor marched down to the street asking for a better life. But..what? all I can do is just feel sorry for them, and wondering, wondering, and wondering..yes, just "wondering".. now I feel like a useless old man, doing nothing but waiting to die. Then actually I'm already dead before I die. This early year is my chance to plan a better plan ahead. This "transitional" moment had been given to me, this freedom is too precious to be ignored. I'm willing to see those prisoners stepping out of the cage.. for REAL. Now my head pain is gone, thanks to panadol! And my heart pain is not there anymore, thanks to Dave Matthews Band and of course the Almighty God who created them. The knee pain.. is still there, but it won't stop me running and perhaps flying to the sky full of wonders. So help me God..

The Good Old Fucking Days

2012-01-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

there is a time to laugh and there is a time to mourn. there is a time to hug and there is a time to let go. there is a time to run and there is a time to crawl. there is a time to share and there is a time to keep. there is a time to lay and there is a time to stand up tall. there is a time to sing and there is a time to cry. there is a time to give birth and there is a time to die. there is a time to hope and there is a time to give-up. there is a time to wait and there is a time to fuck-things-up. there is a time to pray and there is a time to curse. there is a time to listen and there is a time to scream. there is a time to see and there is a time to ignore. for everything has its own time.

The Bus Captain and The Girl (with attitude)

2011-01-17T05:18:00.000-08:00

gheeezz..!! I just had the longest weekend in this city!.. had the massive fun but then got my body fatigued in return! and this morning the bed was so very very very mmmphhh.. you know.. it's like mmmmmhhhh...pppffffftttt...ooough yessssss!.. it was sooooooo... oooh God!! you know exactly what I mean don't you?.. well anyway, I managed to get up and did my morning ritual things, and bla bla bla..and got my heels hit the road.. and God provided me my lovely 851 bus just in time! I saw bunch of people were trying to get in to my big sweet lady there..and I got my chance to settle in and stood not far from the entrance steps.but still, there were numbers of people standing behind me. after telling the passengers inside to step further in, the bus captain, who looked much older than my father, stood and shouted to those desperate people around the entrance: "no more please!!no space already..!" (in local accent) instantly I heard a girl standing on the step where the door will be closed shouted back "I don't believe!" (also in local accent)her voice was so gentle yet sounds so cynical..she continued murmuring with his male friend who managed to stood next to the tap machine, and she sounded irritated even more when the bus captain replied "tap your card first, or we're not going!"the girl handed her card to her friend for tapping. when the door was about to be closed, the captain said "be careful,don't let the door hit your beautiful leg"..."no money to go the hospital, okay!" he continued. the door closed and finally we off.until then I still heard her cursing, I think, judging from her tones.. reaching a quite sharp turning the captain warned "watch out, it's dangerous here..hold on!" and after that was the moment when my ears was so itchy like I never clean them for years: the girl replied: "just shut up and drive!" again it was very gentle and again it was so so damn cynical.. I was amazed and tried to look at the captain who amazingly kept his calm.. whoaaa.... then I thought, maybe no need to be so surprised, for I have heard so many times that kindness is a rarity in this city. and maybe this was just one of the thousands of example where seniors were treated so unwell..but then, still, I felt so sorry for the captain, her phrase was easily and calmly spoken..maybe it was okay for the captain, but not for me! try not to judge further more, I desperately hoped that the girl or maybe the other girls or guys will be somehow reminded and then eventually realized that.. how fucking cruel they are! shit!! fuck those ass holes! bitch!!

The Wind

2011-01-12T03:15:00.000-08:00

“..wind is the love we don’t understand but feel..” (William Cullen Byant in Dance With Wind)

That night, the wind came and whispered to me that my life was not mine..

the wind blew me away from all the self conveniences I was searching for,
from all the things I like and I don’t..
from all the insincerity…..the wind blew me away

my life was belong to the others, the wind whispered..

And then the wind took me at once..

The wind showed to me how pleasant it was to see the prisoners stepping out from that space of hopelessness where the sound of cracking bones was so loud and clear in the ears…
and how beautiful it was to see them smiling to the morning sun while embracing the warmth..

and I agreely smiled..

The wind was so real and imaginary at the same time. The wind blew me gently and I flew somehow.. The wind surrounded me and then released me.. I confusedly landed and..

yes… however, it was just the wind in any way.

The Venom

2010-05-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

in every hour I passed..I got poisoned by voices echoing in this freaking head..someone please blow this head..

The Outro

2010-05-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

.."when disaster strikes, you just have to remind yourself of this..what the world needs now is love sweet love, no not just for some but for everyone.."

Chris Martin

Everything Ends

2010-05-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

AAAHHH...

Shallow skin, I can paint with pain.
I mark the trails on my arms with your disdain.
Everyday it's the same - I LOVE, YOU HATE.
But I guess I don't care any more.

AAAHHH...

Fix my problems with the blade.
While my eyes turn from blue to gray.
God, the worst thing happened to me today.
But I guess I don't care anymore.

AAAHHH...

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

My flaws are the only thing left that's pure.
Can't really live, can't really endure.
Everything I see reminds me of her.
God I wish I didn't care anymore.
The more I touch, the less I feel.
I'm lying to myself that it's not real.
Why is everybody making such a big fucking deal?
I'm never gonna care anymore.

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

You're wrong and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

SUCKER...

What the hell am I doing?
Is there anyone left in my life?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Anybody want to tell me I'm fine?
Where the hell am I going?
Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed!
I am only conditioned to die!

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

You are wrong and overrated!
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything.
I haven't slept since I found out my whole life was a lie!
This is the end of everything.
You are the end of everything!

Slipknot

ps: when everything seems undefined and purposeless..

The Ascending

2010-05-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

hi..(sigh..not sure if anyone is bothered about this)..anyway, it's me again,last time I came with a super-spirited-will-to-write, promise that (at least to my self) I would be more "expressive" through the words! but then I found here it's been almost one year long I left my room empty..maybe I was born to just keep things "inside"..the truth is the ideas are at every corners of my silly head! but it seems that my motoric tools were hardly response, or do something to make the ideas recorded and the keyword is "lazy"..ooooh well, anyway..that is not the point..the point is I'm still awake at 1.44 am, friday morning, just try to make myself doing something other than playing soccer game in my laptop, and getting pissed off every time I lost..*woaa..this is pretty long intro and I haven't even touched a topic that I wanted to express.. gheezz I'm hungry and sleepy..I can't think! am I wasting my time..???argggh!!.. (at least I've tried)

good night everyone, if there is..

The Death and The Battle

2009-09-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

Do you know how does it feel when you know that you are dead? I felt death last night...

I was in a room with a bunch of people which I didn't familiar with, waiting for something that we didn't know. The room was like a dormitory with a quite big stagged platform for people to lay or sit on. We were waiting and waiting, still didn't know why, what for, and how we got in there. After a while, we were released from the room, there was no order nor announcement from some kind of authority or else; we just felt that we had the permission (read:obligation) to leave. There was a small and quick farewell as we had been there quite long together; yes, we need to go separately, again, didn't know why, just felt that we had to..
I was in the middle of a place like city (I think) walking away from the room, heading to nowhere. It was a bright, hot, and humid climate I felt; this feeling I did familiar with..suddenly a guy was walking beside me; he was the second thing which I familiar with so far. He told me a weird thing that my body was found and they (?) would tell the news and send it to my family...his words..I just felt worry..yes..that's all.."worry"..worry that I had not done enough of my role. Although, the second child of my parents is a boy, although I thought the sorrows would not last forever (would it?) I just felt, it was just not enough..it hasn't been completed...Then my memory brought me to my girl. How was she? How will she live with someone else?? No, I didn't think I could even think about it. The precious will be left. No, please don't...please!!

Then.. I woke up.. finished? no, not yet..
It was a familiar room where every morning I wake up. I met some people that I knew well, very well. I went out, I saw a guy was being chased by a yellow giant robot; it was a big mechanical-creature and I felt an evil in it, somehow...I saw this guy, looked as if he wasn't in a trouble at all. He challenged the thing there; he was so confident that at the end of the day he felt he would win over it. I followed them heading to an unused warehouse; it was an old big warehouse; I could see some sun rays came in through the broken glass of the arch doors, but the room was not well lightened though..the warehouse became even more silent and "cold". Eyes to meet eyes; they were facing each other, standing still in silence; the battle could be started any time soon. I was outside the warehouse, standing behind the glass arch door, got myself ready to any kind of possibilities. Suddenly a voice called me; it was from the guy..loudly he called me; asking me to join him (what??), he said I had the ability or power to bow down the creature. with all the doubts I had, I put myself closer to the battlefield. I just had his faith in me; that's all..then, even more surprising, the thing put some kind of sign (didn't really know how), then, I saw dots of light spreading through out the city, were elevating to the air, flying, those lights were coming directly to the place where we stand on. getting closer and clearer, the dots became shapes, the shapes became strange creatures, colorful yet disgusting, never seen these things before even in the dreams. and I heard laughters all over the warehouse, echoing, worst voices, unpleasant, bad bad ones!!
The crowd filled the warehouse, surrounding us; still with the voices and laughters they were staring at us. Beside me was a creature, looked like a girl in a purple suite which let the most of her skin left showed up; the skin was also purple, she was still chuckling, sometimes louder..(to be continued..)

The Joke

2009-09-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

I just watched "Catch Me if You Can" rite..and then I found this scheme where the guy called Carl, played by Tom Hanks, told a joke which was very catchy yet somehow..genius! well here it goes..
A (Carl) : d' you want some jokes?
B (didn't get the name) : yup sure..!
A : ....knock,knock!!
B : who's there??
A: ..............*after around 5 seconds*.............go fuck yourself!!!!

lol..

What's on your mind?

2009-09-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine told me that it is good to share thoughts to others, regardless whether it is good or bad. Well, not quite sure the meaning, not quite sure if it works or not. However, here I am with my good intention and sincerity sharing my very thoughts.
This could be one way of enjoying life, enjoying myself. And it would be even nicer if at the end people find some answers or questions that can lead them to answers in this blog. Well, who knows? don't you think so?
So let me break free, spread my fucking wings, bang my head, shout the anger, laugh my ass up, be careless, and go wherever the wind blows..let it be my blues room...

Shit!! it took some times for me to write this small bullshit..well, practice makes perfect, doesn't it? at least I believe that..so, here it goes my very first post, my newborn child..I can understand if you didn't get anything from this crap.. so just fuck off!! (hehe, I didn't mean it..really!)

God bless You